so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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