At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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