We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
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No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
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They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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