Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
