well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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