I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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