you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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