I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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