literally had 100 drinks last night.
wanna go halves on a baby?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
handjob tips. give me some.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
