Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
