Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
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I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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