How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
