he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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