I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
