I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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