omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
