hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
