that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
