hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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