That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
