i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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