Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
