Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
jump out the window naked night went bad
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
