I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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