I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
