if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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