the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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