I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Best friends brother. Beat that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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