I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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