DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
