I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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