I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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