Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Randomize
