My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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