You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize