yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
