our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There are leaves in my underwear?
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