using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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