census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
