I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
