i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
