My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
