theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What a dumb baby whore.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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