I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
