There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
