Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
