***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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