it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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