My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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