Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
