they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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