my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
