I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
