Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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