now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
