So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
