she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
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my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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so much tequila, so little girl.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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