those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
