How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my being single is dangerous.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
