I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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